This past February, I've realized, has been one of the more defining months in my life. Allow me to explain...
This past month I realized...
- I was getting bullied as a nineteen year old by one of my roommates
- I turned 20 and had the best birthday weekend I have literally ever had
- I turned 20 while I continued to get passive aggressively bullied
- I got told by three people that are very important to me that they think I'm a shell of the girl I usually am in the course of nine hours on the same day
- I realized I really need to learn to stand up for myself
- And I did
- I put the process into motion to move out of my dorm room because I needed it more than anything to be able to be focus on my life again
- I moved out yesterday (not in February, but I feel like it's worth mentioning) which is a really big deal to me because I am usually a very indecisive person
- I realized that when I am upset, I project it into all aspects of my life and I really have to figure out a way to control that
- I realized that I can't not respond to e-mails that upset me in an attempt to calm down because it gives people the wrong idea
- I lost a blogger friend that I thought was very important to me because of this
- I survived my first ever true public speaking speech even though my professor pointed out that my hands were visibly shaking the entire time
- Several people I've run into told me I was their tour guide and they came to Pace because of me...this is such a fulfilling, gratifying, amazing feeling that makes me smile all the time
- I went to Apollycon in Philadelphia (a city I have never been to before) and visited a very good friend of mine that no longer attends my college but will forever be like a sister to me
- I learned how to play Settlers of Catan and Seven Kingdoms (which I rock at!)
- My best friend made me cry when he bought me a birthday cake (Thank you, Max)
- I started and completed 3 different assignments an hour before they were due (this is so unlike me it is ridiculous and I am disappointed in myself)
- I went home for every weekend except for the one leading into my birthday
- I realized my family are my biggest supporters in everything I do in life no matter what
- I began applying for summer internships (yay!)
- Bloomsbury put a smile on my face every Wednesday and Friday
- I also attended some cool book events
- I was miserable for a large portion of this month, with a few bright patches thanks to my amazing friends, my job, and my family
- I realized that I don't deserve to feel miserable and I effectively worked to get out of that funk, even if it took a while to do it
- My blog suffered in order to get myself out of that funk, and this realization really bums me out
I realized I'm kind of a push-over. I'm loud and opinionated because that is how I was raised, but when it comes to confrontation I prefer to avoid it. I think saying as little as possible in upsetting situations is best, so sometimes I say nothing at all, and it seems that people always misinterpret my intentions, so I really have to stop doing this, especially since it's happened at least 4 times in the course of the month, even though I really only care about one person that is no longer in my life because of this. And I have to stand up for myself instead of allowing myself to be miserable. No more of that. I've survived a lot in life and I deserve to be happy, so dang it, I'm going to be happy.
It's funny because everyone around me tells me that twenty is a really defining year. Well, I've been twenty for just over two weeks and I feel like I've learned so much about myself it's ridiculous. And for the first time ever I've actually worked towards changing some of the things I don't like about myself, like the way I react to sad situations, how I really need to be decisive, especially in regards to things that affect me emotionally which in turn affects me academically, socially, and even motivation-wise, or how I put others before myself a lot. Putting myself ahead of others is hard and at times it means breaking ties I don't want to break or doing things I know will upset others, but it has to be done if no side will back down. And, in the end, that's okay.
That's what I've learned this past month. No matter what, everything will be okay. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end and what you want to happen isn't necessarily what's best for you. And it sucks in the moment. Believe me, it sucks in the moment, but you've gotta have faith. Those people who want you in their lives will reach out to you and prove it, and those who are not worth your time will somehow show you that they are not worth your time. Your career should make you happy, and if you're in the right industry it will no matter what. And my career does. So at least I've got something right, eh? ;)
My college makes me happy, too. As does my beautiful, beautiful city. And because of this I have to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
So, from this moment on, I'm going to do that. And I'm going to keep taking steps forward while I refuse to take any back. Because I need to, and because I should, and because, in the end, everything will be okay.
This post is more for me than it is for anyone else. I needed to get my emotions down on paper so that I can finish fulfilling this promise to myself and hopefully continue to move forward in the areas that I've promised myself to progress in. 20 is going to be a good year for me, and I'm not going to let a crappy start affect that. There are 2.5 months left in this semester, and I have my own room, kickass friends, and an amazing internship. I really don't need anything else in life.