Naturally, I just did a quick post highlighting everything and thanking her for her kindness, but dang, it alleviated a little stress and I just need to get things out. So I am creating this open forum about life for all of us to simply share what is going on right now. And to get some things off our chest so we can go into Thanksgiving with smiles on our faces. I don't expect people to read this, and if you use it that'll be amazing because writing this post was such a therapeutic experience for me. But this is more a personal post out of necessity than anything else that I hope others choose to take advantage of.
So, let's begin. I just want to get it all out.
I am so stressed and exhausted, I don't know how I am getting through the day, let alone the next month of school.
I am constantly tired, and I have never felt exhaustion quite like this. I think it's because I am commuting. The actual commute I have is pretty short (under an hour) compared to a lot of other people's commute, but it is absolutely exhausting. I am also not getting a lot of sleep at night. I've never been a great sleeper, but going to sleep at my normal time and then waking up two hours earlier than I would if I lived in the city is taking its toll.
But so is taking 19 credits. I'm doing this out of necessity because I want to graduate early still (next December! 13 months away!) on top of being able to study abroad. I'm being greedy, and I know when I am in England I'll have a 5 month long break, but that doesn't make anything better in the moment. Because in the moment I am still stressed as hell. I have all these calm patches and then every single one of my classes has a project due within 48 hours of each other. Just my luck, right? I spent this past week staying up till 3am every night and waking up at 7am to get all of it done, and it's making me hate being greedy and wanting the best of both worlds.
On top of all that, I am doing thesis work to graduate early. I am working on developing this huge general public survey that I will be launching upon my return home from London in June. I don't want to share the topic yet, but I can promise it's something that concerns all of my readers and that I'd love your responses to! But anyway, I have to gain all of these permissions to be able to distribute this survey so I need to put together this 10 page proposal with the proposed survey and permissions, rights, etc. all in it. It's exhausting! And let's not forget, you know, the actual thesis research that I have been doing simultaneously.
My internship ended Friday and it's bittersweet. I really enjoyed my time at Viking (a more intense goodbye post to come as part of The Intern Diaries), but I am thankful it's over purely for sleep purposes. You'd think this frees up all my Mondays and Fridays, but nope, I've been called into my on-campus job for extra work. And that's fine. I'm not complaining because I won't be able to make money for 5.5 months since I opted not to get a work visa for London, but that means I have to make all the money I can now. I am an on-campus tour guide and it's a job I love, but it's a job that can be hard to put a smile on when you're exhausted. Out of all of the remaining Mondays and Fridays for the rest of the semester, I currently only have one Monday off, and then I have nearly two weeks straight of tour guiding in December for when we are unofficially open after classes end because I am desperate for cash. Oh, the struggles of being a college student. But I am fortunate to have a job I do love, which makes the exhaustion fade away temporarily when in the thick of things.
I also barely have time to read. I am putting in any moments of reading I can get to snatch back some semblance of normality and calmness, but it's not enough. I miss reading, and I feel like it's impacting me emotionally since it is what keeps me so calm.
My father often remarks how well I am keeping it all together. And it's nice to see that from the outside, I am succeeding in remaining calm and level-headed, but inside I am just a tornado of who knows what. Exhaustion...stress...but also pride that I am managing this. And I'm doing a good job. My grades aren't suffering and as far as any of my bosses know, I am feeling 100% fine. The issue is that I sure as hell don't feel 100% fine at this exact moment.
I think the one thing I don't have in my life right now is stress about my future. A lot of my peers don't know what they want to do with their lives and they're struggling to get internships. I've been fortunate enough to have five amazing internships, and I do know what I want to do with my life because of these awesome intern experiences. And for once, I am kind of thankful I don't have to devote a lot of energy to the internship hunt (and subsequent competition that comes with it) because I can't work in London. Sure, I'll be stressing from an ocean away when hunting for a summer internship, but that's something that'll come later. The most important thing is that it is not happening now and I know, deep down, whether I get a position or not, I still am happy with where my work experience has taken me and what I want to do with my future. I am taking solace in that fact because I do feel so far ahead of some of my peers in that respect. Again, it makes me so thankful for Bloomsbury for leading me down this path.
I keep reminding myself it'll all be worth it in the end, but I am so ready for London to just be here because I want to relax. I want to not work for the first time since I was sixteen, and travel, and spend all my money without any guilt. I want to explore, and learn what I am truly capable of, and go on a new adventure everyday. And I am counting down the days until that happens while I stress out about packing. lol
Oh, stress, you are becoming my near constant companion these days.
As mentioned above, I welcome you to use the comments as an open forum to get feelings off your chest. I found voicing all my worries was super useful and therapeutic, and you should take advantage of this for yourself. I don't expect people to read this post because, really, who wants to hear someone vent about their life for a full post? But if you do, thanks for listening, and I'll listen to anything you have to say below. Sometimes you just gotta get it all out.